We may not remember it, but our parents fed us, changed our diapers, and rocked us to sleep when we were babies. And when we were toddlers, they played with us and soothed the wounds we get from running around and playing. The human brain can only remember mundane things three to four years after they happen, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. However, when we begin to feel guilty, our minds will remind us of the things our parents did for us. That’s when it gets really emotional.
If you choose an assisted living setup for your parents, that might send you into throes of guilt. That’s normal and expected. Children, as much as they are now grown up and ready to take on the world, also want to give back to their parents. When they cannot be present in their parents’ lives, they think about the times when their parents have to rush from work to see a ballet recital or a school play. That puts a heavy toll on any child.
But the circumstances of your life may not always conform to what your mind and heart want to do. Sure, you want to be the one to take care of your parents, but who’s going to shoulder the bills? In a perfect world, you won’t have to worry about the financial aspect of having senior parents. But this is the real world and here, people pay the bills and somehow, everything comes second to that.
Be Aware of the Guilty Feelings
The only way to cope with the guilt of not being your parents’ primary caregiver is to be aware of that feeling. How can you cope with something you aren’t aware of? Guilt can creep into your life with nary a warning. You may feel overwhelmed once that washed over you. The only way to get out of that feeling is to recognize that it’s real.
Give Yourself a Break
It is very difficult for people to prioritize themselves. They cannot forgive themselves for putting their dreams on top. Look at what you have been doing for your parents. Learn to identify the positives. Are you working hard to support them right now? Are you visiting them regularly even if it means not getting enough sleep? You cannot do everything right. You get tired. Do everything in your power to be there for your parents but if you can’t exactly be their caregiver, learn to forgive yourself, too.
Don’t beat yourself up for not being the one to hand them their medicines. The most important thing for your parents is your happiness. If they ever think that they are a hindrance to that happiness, how do you think they will feel?
Talk It Out
Tell your parents how you feel. Talk to a friend about it. No matter what, find someone who can listen and remind you that you’re doing your best. Do not self-condemn yourself repeatedly. You’ll fall into a pattern that can lead to mental problems. Learn to open up to someone you trust. If you keep these feelings to yourself, no one will tell you that harboring such ill feelings will not do you or your parents any good.
You’re Still Part of the Team
Think of yourself as the captain of the team. Sure, you’re not the hands-on caregiver of your parents, but who makes the major decisions? Who decides if your parents can no longer decide for themselves? Who decided to bring them to a nursing home or assisted living community? That’s your decision.
Making these choices is tougher than people realize. That’s why it’s important for you not to drown in guilt. You have to be emotionally prepared to always try to do the right thing.
Be Mindful
Being mindful means focusing on the now. You are not being tied down by what happened in the past. You are not worried about the future, too. Instead, you are focused on what you should do for your parents right now. This allows you to make the right decisions when it comes to providing them the care they need. When you are free from guilt, you make better choices.
But remember that above all, you have to take care of yourself. Your parents wouldn’t want it any other way. They’ll most probably feel guilty if they see you unhappy. They’ll think they are being a burden to you. Don’t let them think this way. Manage those guilty feelings and become a more effective caregiver, albeit from afar.
Meta Title: How to Cope with the Guilt of Not Being Your Parents’ Caregiver
Meta Description: The circumstances of your life did not allow you to be your parents’ caregiver. You feel guilty about it. How do you deal with that guilt? Read more here.
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